"it rains and pours in twos
wonder if I'll come home
no strength left to battle you
run to the open arms
of anyone, anyone
I'm watching you fall from grace
breaking a heart of gold
don't ever try saving face
run with your heart of stone"- The Get Up Kids

Well, my brother is gone. He was going to hang out here for a year and "babysit" me. I'm going to be alone with the kids for a year while P is over in the Middle East.

I need to be babysat, because I have not been a single mother because of a deployment in over two years. Also, previous deployments have only been six months, and since the last deployment, I have been diagnosed as bipolar (manic-depressive), and P has added an illigimate child to his brood (though not living with us). Anyhow, P could not afford for me to buy another Mustang while he is out of the country. A 2000 Mustang was pretty good self medication for a while. I'd love to up my dose to a 2005, but frankily, my insurance won't cover it.

So, anyway, after a false start (he forgot his cell phone), R is gone. I was really wanting him to stay. But, he did just get back from Iraq (he was with the Stykers), and we are a handful. He had to leave, and I tried not to ask too many questions, so maybe someday he'll come back.

I can never go back. I hate NY and what memories I left there with in 1993, and the worse memories in 1995, and the memories of 2000, when we finally left forever. Hopefully, I guess I can get into this more at another time. The lyrics, though, up top pretty much describe me, and how envious of my brother I am. He can go back with no regrets.

Now I have another favorite song, that says,
"Oh no, you really haven't lived life yet
If you ain't got no regrets"

I'm thinking I could have had a perfectly wonderful life without accumulating regrets. But, alas, too much history, lost love, betrayal, insecurity, lost identities, dashed dreams, miscommunications to go back.