Baby Girl
The ultrasound technician said she could tell it was a girl, but she was't supposed to tell her. Paul and me though, we got her chatting, telling her we already had two boys. Two beautiful boys were at home, waiting for the news. Explaining it was either another round of hand me downs, or we would get to buy new, we really didn't care. So, she told us, but really, like all parents would like to think after their child is born, they had known all along. We were going round for round when it came to choosing a name, but now that we were one step closer the concessions started. Paul liked Kelly, and I, after having met a Brynn years earlier, had fallen in love with that name. So, Kelly Brynn it was, except we would call her Brynn.
Three months later she was indeed a girl, just not the girl I thought she would be. She was long, but lean, much leaner than any newborn I had seen. She was also very dusky, not pink like my boys had been. The worst part was she was very quiet. They would not let Paul hold her, he was obviously confused and frightened. They would not let me hold her, until I demanded.
The doctor was saying things I did not understand, the nurses were trying to comfort me, Paul was trying to explain to me what little he hear the doctor say. The baby made a few whimpers by now, no solid wailing.
I held my daughter for what seemed like a moment, but may have been a minute longer. They took her up to the Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, which was upstairs. I was given a little while to get cleaned up and collect myself. I was then rolled into the hallway to wait for a room. I waited in the hallway for hours, maybe a few minutes less, crying while the nurses chattered. I wasn't even there, listening to the newborns crying, my breasts now aching, because my body was ready weeks ago. Paul was with the baby, she needed him, after all. Babies dont have tears, you know.
The baby had been transported to another hospital, in another state. She had been diagnosed with a heart defect.
* * *
A baby's heart developes around the eighth week of pregnancy, and I had some break through bleeding one night around my eighth week. My oldest was vomiting every five minutes, so I took us to the hospital, more concerned about him. A doctor looked at me as well, but basically told me, this pregnancy might not be meant to be and there was nothing to be done about it. I had an ultrasound, while my boy sat in a chair next to the bed. There was no new information for me after the ultrasound, just a prescription of bed rest. I was desperate to be home, but I had to wait for my boy's prescription. I just wanted to be home.
The first call I made was my cousin, Stacey, she and my aunt decided they would come get my boys for the weekend. This was very out of character for my aunt, not that she wasn't smitten with my children, but because my oldest had a seizure disorder he took medication for, and now he was taking an antibiotic, so this made her very nervous. I was able to leave a message for Paul, as he was in Virginia at the time. When he got home everything would be better.
* * *
She had what was called Tetralogy of Fallot, and four, even three years ago, I could have told you exactly what that meant. I have no idea anymore though, that was a long time ago, passed in ultrasounds, EKGs, angiograms, and surgeries.
We had our share of uncertainties, like a cross-country move we had to make when she was only six weeks old. She also had an emergency hernia operation six weeks after her first open heart surgery, she was airlifted for that. Her second surgery was on her second birthday, which made me feel worse than awful, if that was at all possible, until I saw the pile of birthday presents that greeted us in pre-op.
And although, I speak of her like she is no longer here, I'm sorry, I didnt mean to lead you on, she is. You see, she was named three months before she was born, and she lived up to her name, as no other child could. She is and always will be, my strong warrior woman.
posted by Judith @ 8:22 PM
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